The "unspeakably disgusting" life of Elagabalus

If there’s one thing the Roman Empire had in plenty, it was crazy emperors. Most people have heard of Caligula, Nero or Commodus. However, the person we’ll be discussing here tends to fly under the radar when it comes to insane imperial behaviour. Elagabalus, also known as Heliogabalus, was a teenager whose brief reign was marked by religious scandals, sexual promiscuity, and some truly outlandish (if terrifying) parties. He’s also known for his gender fluidity, with several modern writers claiming that he was transgender. Historians have said he "abandoned himself to the grossest pleasures with ungoverned fury", lived “an unspeakably disgusting life” and was “probably the least capable emperor Rome ever had”. Strong stuff!

Who was this precocious youngster with a fondness for practical jokes, dressing up in drag, and big d*cks? Elagabalus was born Sextus Varius Avitus Bassianus in around 204. He came from Emesa (mondern-day Homs) in Syria and became emperor thanks to his ambitious and powerful grandmother, Julia Maesa. His cousin was the emperor Caracalla, a pretty awful human being who met his end while going for a pee. When Caracalla died, he was succeeded by a guy called Macrinus but Julia Maesa had other ideas. She incited the army to revolt against Macrinus, the two factions went to war and Macrinus was eventually executed. Elagabalus became emperor at the age of 14.

Sextus Varius was nicknamed Elagabalus because he was a high priest of the Syrian sun god Elagabal. His devotion to a foreign god would cause problems and this, combined with his ‘exotic’ lifestyle, eventually alienated the elites and the Praetorian Guard. His influential grandmother, Julia Maesa, sensed that support for him was waning so - bad bitch that she was - decided it was time for him to go. She decided to switch her support to her other grandson - another teenager called Severus Alexander. She then manipulated Elagabalus into making Severus Alexander his heir and awarding him the title of ‘caesar’.

Horrible Histories image courtesy of BBC, LionTV and Citrus Television

Unsurprisingly, Elagabalus wasn’t too thrilled about this. He tried to get the Senate to remove Severus Alexander’s title. When that failed, he made multiple attempts on his cousin’s life. He then decided to start a rumour that Severus Alexander was near death. To say the Praetorian Guard didn’t respond well is an understatement. They rioted and demanded to see Severus Alexander in person. When Elagabalus complied, the Guard started cheering for Severus Alexander which properly pissed Elagabalus off. In a scene reminiscent of teenage brats everywhere (or Cartman from South Park), Elagabalus started freaking out and threatened to execute people for not respecting his authority. In response, the Praetorian Guard turned on him. As he’d brought his mother, Julia Soaemius, along, the Guard turned on her too.

Elagabalus and his mother tried to run but were found and butchered. In a heartbreaking final act, Julia Soaemius was killed with her arms wrapped tightly around her son, in a vain attempt to shield him from the blows. Their heads were cut off and Elagabalus’s body was dumped in the Tiber. Severus Alexander became emperor and damnatio memoriae - the practice of erasing all references of a disgraced figure from public life - was applied to Elagabalus.

Losing my religion

As mentioned, Elagabalus was big into his hometown god, Elagabal. So much so that he decided to make Elagabal the main deity - above the king of the gods himself, Jupiter. Messing with the Roman pantheon like this was a profoundly sacrilegious thing to do, especially as Elagabal was a foreign deity.

A temple dedicated to Elagabal was built to house a black meteorite from Emesa, representing the god. Elagabalus ordered that Rome’s most sacred relics be transferred from their usual shrines to the Elagabalium, which forced Romans to worship alongside Elagabal whether they liked it or not. In a further bizarre display, Elagabalus appointed himself as Elagabal’s high priest in a ceremony where senators were made to watch him dance around the alter, accompanied by drums and cymbals.

The religious scandals didn’t stop there. Elagabalus doubled down on his sacrilegious behaviour by marrying a Vestal Virgin, one of the priestesses who were famously supposed to remain chaste. Roman law dictated that any Vestal Virgin caught having sex should be buried alive so, naturally, this scandalised Roman society. To add insult to injury, Elagablus’ wife, Aquila Severa, was the high priestess of Vesta and the person responsible for keeping Vesta’s sacred flame permanently lit.

Let’s talk about sex

Elagabalus’ marriage to Aquila Severa was just one in a long line of dubious sexual escapades. He was romantically involved with both women and men, with a total of six reputed marriages (three women and two men - including to Aquila Severa twice!). His third wife was the widow of a man Elagabalus had recently executed. Classy. He also slept around a lot and enjoyed prostituting himself at the local brothels and taverns. He even opened his own brothel in his palace, where he’d stand naked at the door soliciting specially-selected guests.

As part of this, Elagabalus would wear wigs and make-up, shave his body hair,  and ask to be called ‘lady’ instead of ‘lord’. One account states that he offered money to any doctors who could replace his male genitalia with a vagina. The Roman historian Dio Cassius even wrote that he only slept with women so he could learn to imitate their behaviour and better play the part of a woman with his male lovers.

Elagabalus would send people to procure hot guys for him, who were usually chosen based on the size of their junk. One such fittie was an athlete called Zoticus who was singled out when Elagabalus heard about Zoticus’ hot bod and enormous penis. At this point the sources differ. Dio claimed that Zoticus was unable to rise to the occasion because one of Elagabalus’ jealous male lovers had slipped something in his drink. As a result, Zoticus was unceremoniously booted out and exiled from Italy. However, the Historia Augusta recounts that Elagabalus and Zoticus were married, with Elagabalus acting the part of the wife in the relationship.

Ben Hur image courtesy of Paramount Pictures

It’s fair to say Elagabalus had pretty good taste in men, at least on the surface. His other prominent male partner was Hierocles, a handsome young charioteer from Anatolia. Elagabalus was smitten after Hierocles fell in front of him during a chariot race. He referred to Hierocles as his ‘husband’ and himself as the ‘wife and queen’ of Hierocles.

It’s anecdotes like this which have led some modern historians to suggest that Elagabalus was transgender and identified as a woman. While homosexuality was not uncommon and carried very little stigma, it was understood that high ranking men should only ever be the top. To allow oneself to be penetrated implied weakness and effeminacy, so Elagabalus behaved as a ‘woman’ in almost every way. It’s risky to apply modern labels or identities to historical figures who saw things very differently to us. However, it seems clear that Elagabalus firmly rejected traditional Roman ideas of gender. 

Party animal

There’s a famous painting by Pre-Raphaelite artist Lawrence Alma-Tadema called ‘The Roses of Heliogabalus’ which depicts a group of Romans lounging on couches and watching as another group sink into masses of pink rose petals, which stream from the ceiling. The beauty of the painting and the serene facial expressions of its subjects give it an innocuous air. However, the reality was very different. This painting depicts one of Elagabalus’ truly terrifying parties, where guests were smothered to death by rose petals.

Elagabalus may have been a shitty emperor but he was one hell of a party planner. The Historia Augusta goes into great detail about his many dinner parties, where guests were lucky if they left with their lives. Elagabalus spent a huge amount of time and money on these events, which included extravagances like rice with pearls, flamingo brains, nightingale tongues or camel heels. 

When it came to entertainment, Elagabalus went BIG. As well as smothering his guests with flower petals, he would sometimes tie them to a wheel and repeatedly plunge them into water until some of them drowned. He also loved a prank - he would use a sort-of whoopie cushion which caused any guest who sat on it to eventually fall onto the floor or would set his pet lions, leopards and bears onto his guests, who didn’t realise they were tame. Some died of fright. On other occasions he’d send jars filled with flies, scorpions or snakes to his guests or serve wax or ivory replicas instead of real food. 

The Augustan History mentions that Syrian priests had prophesied that Elagabalus would die a violent death, which made him paranoid. He therefore prepared various means of taking his own life in case he ever needed to, from building a really high, bejewelled tower to throw himself off to silken nooses. He declared that even his own death should be fabulous and extravagant. Sadly, it was anything but.