Isabella of France: the queen who took down a king (part I)

Marriages fall apart all the time, but how bad does your relationship have to be before you decide, "You know what? I’m just going to go to war on their ass - literally"? That’s exactly what Isabella of France did when her husband, Edward II, pushed her too far. And while most of us just settle for a dramatic breakup text, Isabella launched an invasion.

This 14th-century queen wasn’t about to be disrespected. When her husband treated her like an afterthought (or, more accurately, like an unwanted third wheel in his love life), she decided to flip the script. That ruthless, take-no-prisoners attitude earned her the nickname "The She-Wolf of France." And honestly? She lived up to it.

A royal threesome

Isabella was born into French royalty, the daughter of Philip IV - who was so ridiculously good-looking that they literally called him Philip the Fair. At just 12 years old, she was married off to Edward II of England, who was twice her age. That was already a rough start, but it got worse fast.

See, Edward wasn’t exactly rolling out the red carpet for his young bride. Why? Because his heart (and, let’s be real, probably his bed) was already occupied - by a man named Piers Gaveston. The moment Edward and Isabella arrived in England, Piers was waiting at the docks like an eager spouse, and Edward basically threw himself into Piers’ arms, ignoring his actual wife and everyone else.

Edward II

Things only got more humiliating from there. At their coronation, Piers strutted in wearing royal purple drenched in pearls, like he was the real queen. Edward even ditched his French in-laws' coat of arms in favor of Piers' - a royal slap in the face to Isabella's powerful family.

At this point, Isabella was a literal teenager in a foreign country where her husband openly prioritised his bestie over her. But instead of just sulking, she did what every daddy’s girl would do and complained to her father. Only then did things begin to improve. Isabella even formed an uneasy alliance with Piers and the two of them supported Edward in his tussles with the barons, as the country moved closer towards civil war.

Despite Isabella’s attempts to work with her husband’s special friend, the English nobility weren’t having it. They saw Piers as a dangerous, arrogant leech and forced Edward to exile him. However, Edward was still gonna Edward. Piers was allowed to return to England and…quelle surprise..the barons got really mad. So, Edward opted for a grown up solution - going on the run with Piers AND his wife. Unsurprisingly, this did not end well. Piers was captured by his enemies and quickly executed without a proper trial, leaving Edward devastated.

With Piers out of the picture, Edward started treating Isabella better, and—shockingly—their marriage actually flourished. In fact, the couple were reportedly late for a meeting because they’d been up all night shagging. Edward even had a rare heroic moment when he saved Isabella from a fire and carried her naked into the street. It was peak medieval action movie energy. Despite his reputation, it’s clear Edward wasn’t homosexual; he had five kids, after all. But he had a serious problem when it came to picking favorites, and his next one would be even worse...

The sex scandal that rocked France

The fire occurred during a trip to France, when Isabella accidentally ignited one of the biggest sex scandals of the Middle Ages - the infamous Tour de Nesle Affair. Isabella had gifted her sisters-in-law some fancy purses. A few months later, she spotted two knights carrying those exact same purses. Suspicious? Absolutely. She immediately concluded that the only possible explanation was royal adultery.

Turns out, she was right.

Her sisters-in-law, Blanche (wife of the future Louis X) and Margaret (wife of the future Charles IV), had been secretly hooking up with these knights in a guard tower called the Tour de Nesle. Joan (wife of the future Philip V) wasn’t actively involved in any nookie but apparently knew about all these saucy shenanigans and didn’t tell on her girls. Isabella ran straight to her father, Philip IV, who went full FBI mode - having the knights followed, gathering evidence, and eventually arresting everyone involved.

And then? Well, things got medieval. The knights were tortured into confessing, then brutally executed (as in, castrated, possibly flayed alive, and then hanged - Philip IV did not play around). The guilty princesses were tossed into prison, though Joan managed to escape punishment.

But Isabella? She didn’t escape the backlash. People accused her of putting bros before hos and even suggested she orchestrated the whole thing as a power move to place her own son on the French throne. Whether that’s true or not, her reputation took a hit, and the ‘She-Wolf of France’ narrative began.

Enter: the actual worst

Back in England, Edward was still being a disaster. His reign was a mess, his military campaigns were failing, and worst of all, he had a new favorite: Hugh Despenser the Younger.

Unlike Piers, who was mostly just annoying, Hugh was straight-up evil. He and his equally awful father used their influence to steal land, destroy rivals, and generally terrorize everyone. Isabella couldn’t even tolerate Hugh - she hated him.

Hugh Despenser the Younger

She wasn’t the only one. A nobleman named Roger Mortimer also despised Hugh, and this mutual loathing would change history. Because when Isabella finally decided she’d had enough, she didn’t just leave Edward. She overthrew him. 

And that is where the real drama begins.

What happens next? Read part 2 here!